Retaining Walls

I need to write. So give me a moment of peace.

I've been avoiding emotions like the plague. I can feel all of them pent up inside me, fighting to get out. I know people talk about getting butterflies in their stomach, but this feels more like bees. They're buzzing around, the sound ringing in my ears, driving me to the brink of insanity.

Do you ever want to just escape? To just wander off into solitude, with a carton of eggs, and just wreak havoc on something? Anything. Just lose it. Take a few deep breaths, clear your mind.

I remember when I was having a rough time in high school, like all teenage girls do. My mother brought me to the grocery store, picked up a carton of eggs and a few apples, then drove me out to this retaining wall off the highway. I could hear the cars speeding by on the opposite side of the big purple barrier, the sound almost soothing to me. Then she handed me the eggs and told me 'Let it out'.

I walked up to that retaining wall and let lose all the anger, frustration, and pain I was feeling. Egg yolks splattered across the wall, sliding down, their whites dripping like rain drops. With every egg, I felt a weight lifting. Releasing laughter, the only emotion that seemed real at the time. Such a therapeutic form of destruction. I splattered apples on the concrete.

I think back to that night a lot. And when I felt that instant joy and release.

That may have been one of the best things my mother could have done for me.
I've never been on for crying, never been one for hugs, it all feels weak. But this, this felt strong. It were as if I took my troubles that were weighing me down and sunk them in the ocean.

I had won

I reminisce on this a lot when why mind begins to turn to a flurry of emotions. I use it to remind myself that I am stronger than the worries that bring me down, while also reminding myself I'm taking life a little too seriously.

Well, that's all

Sincerely,
Laughing at life

Thoughts on a Bridge

I've had millions of thoughts trapped in my head today, not that I've been counting. So here goes something. The tone and mood of this, I cannot explain. I truly am not depressed or any such thing, this simply escalated from my current dread of the cold which I feel has been following me everywhere I go. I started pulling in some metaphors to my life throughout, though I originally had no intentions to. It's not a poem, it's not a short story, it's not a soliloquy, I don't really know what it is other than simply my thoughts in a patchwork of something related to winter.

I guess, enjoy.

Thought's on a Bridge 

Living in the frigid cold is driving me insane, I'm quite sure of it. I will admit, I am foolish in my belief that depression is a choice. However it seems to be lately that maybe depression is simply a matter of perspective. For my perspective on life right now is cold and grim, as are my surroundings, as is my attitude.
No I am not depressed, I have not made the choice to be, but I am going mad. 

Maybe the goosebumps are to blame, forever scarred into my arms, clinging to me like a rain cloud over my head. Or maybe it's the burning of my ears, that lingers constantly, slowly falling victim to frostbite. Or it could be the patches of ice, scattered like mine's across campus, threatening me at every corner.

Whatever it may be, I can't bear it.

I've never looked up the definition of insanity, for I have been sure I am sane, but maybe the arctic air has put me in my place. The cold is cracking me. I'm ice and spring is approaching quickly. I'm a snowman and the drunks have come to bring me down. 

Am I weak to have fallen victim to the tundra? I am sorry to have frozen. Like the hand on an old victorian clock, I'm stuck.
I never wanted to lose, but like the frozen river edges, I can't go with the flow any longer. 

It's hard to think when you're mind is trapped in an ice box. 

It's hard to stay sane when you're mind is shaken, beaten, and bruised with insanity. 

Will you forgive me? This walk has been hard alone.
I forgot to bring you with. 

I've slept alone in this house long enough, furnace burnt out like we did, and I've been left here freezing. With the front door bleeding cold air, I can't help but think this is your fault. Couldn't you have fixed it? A new door, a new window or two?
I wished for a second chance to shield all that was good in this home from the bitter cold.
But no, It seeps from that front door, flee's this house. 

Wishing is for fools, as is sanity. Depression is weak, but then so am I. 

I don't wish to remain in this cold, I don't wish to carry on freezing. I can feel myself giving into the bitter chill, I can feel it breaking me down. But if there's a moment I want frozen in time, this isn't it. I won't let this be it. The cold can attack my body, but I won't let it freeze my mind, not in this state.

What am I thinking? I must put an end to this foolish thinking, the bitter cold is freezing me as I speak and time is short. So I leave you with this, my love. 

You can leave me frozen in this state, you can enclose my mind in this ice box if you must. But as the seasons change, so will I, and all of me you're bitterness has ruined will come back to life. I can feel an escape from this pain, I can see my spring garden blooming. So bring on the chill my love, freeze me in time. 

But look out next spring when I bloom, it'll be you're hell.





Sincerely,
Me. 

The 8 Simple Seasons of the Midwest

My whole life I've had a love/hate relationship with the midwest. Growing up in Minnesota then moving to Wisconsin for school, I've experienced just about all the midwest has to offer (at least in my opinion). From unreasonably hot summers to freezing cold winters, living through extreme temperatures has always been quite the 'treat'. However in my 19 short years of life, I've realized how irrational those of us who live in the midwest truly are.
Here's the cycle of Irrationality:
8 seasons, instead of 4.

Let's start with Fall.
Fall for those of us in the midwest is not truly fall, it's a short lived season of temperatures ranging from 50-30 degrees, when mother nature mentally prepares us for winter. Fall typically starts in late september, ending before halloween. So realistically, fall is only a month around here. However, women will seize every last second of fall, tweeting about their love for 'fall fashion', hitting up apple orchards, and overwear every vest they own.

After fall comes Pre-Winter.
This is the time around halloween when everyone begins to complain about the cold. It's typically about 30-20 degrees outside and theres no snow, simply frigid cold and depressing cloudy weather. Girls buy scantily clad halloween costumes and try to deny that they're going to freeze their asses off in them, denying that winter is coming. In Pre-Winter our bodies also start to adjust to temperatures, 40 begins to seem semi warm to a lot of us.

Then comes Winter Wonderland.
Winter Wonderland is an interesting time. Temperatures have dropped remarkably, sometimes even to below zero. BUT the minute the first snow flake falls, suddenly the hate for the cold has subsided and day dreaming of a 'white christmas', kicks in. This short period of time leading up to christmas is what I like to call the 'glory days' of winter, where everything seems merry and we all are happy to live in a state where it snows.

Then the REAL Winter begins.
The minute the holiday season ends, our mind switches to believing we are living in our own personal hell. Temperatures are below freezing as before, but since the holiday spirit is over, suddenly everything is just the WORST. Snow is no longer beautiful to us and we all begin to have an undying hate for it, complaining every time a flake falls. What's interesting about this time is that it really is the same weather as Winter Wonderland, minus Santa and the pretty lights, so we all hate it.

Then comes the season of The Clinger.
Similar to a clingy girlfriend, winter begins to cling on to the midwest far into march. Temperatures will rise to as high as 30 degrees and drop to as low as -45 degrees throughout a single week. It may be March, but you wouldn't be able to tell without a calendar as the wether remains the same as December or January.

By April, Pre-Spring Frustration starts.
Snow has started to melt in the midwest, however, our hatred sticks around. Towns start to look dirty and beat up, as snow melts and exposes Pre-Winters grime and filth that our little 'Winter Woderland' had covered up.

Hopefully by May, it's Spring.
Temperatures by May are hopefully up to 50 degrees and everyone inevitably begins breaking out the summer gear. Clothing fit for a day at the beach is worn around puddles of melted snow, and suddenly 50 degrees is feeling 'hot'. This joy about beautiful temperatures will last about a month, before mother nature slaps us in the face again.

Mother Nature's Idea of Hell, starts in June.
A few weeks into June, the real fun begins. Temperatures will range from 60 degrees all the way up to 105 degrees. Everyone begins to regret letting go of winter and the complaints begin yet again. From being one of the coldest areas of the country, the midwest jumps to being one of the hottest, sending midwesterners bodies haywire.

By September, the cycle begins over again. Same attitudes year after year. Nothing is ever good enough for us in the Midwest. If I've learned anything, we're rarely pleased by much, other than those few short months we're walking in a Winter Wonderland.

But even though us midwesterners have so much hate for the weather at times, I personally, wouldn't have it any other way.

Sincerely,
Laughing at life's irony.

The consequences of my Late Night Reflections (Caution: Controversial Content)

I read, or struggled though a few paragraphs, today of an article by a younger woman. I say I struggled, because it truly was painful to read. The piece didn't have outstanding grammatical errors that I couldn't stand (I'm no grammar police), nor was it typed like Di$$. It was truly the content, the message, that I struggled to grasp and really choked on.

You can find the article here: http://bemalleable.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/sincerely-one-of-many-girls-who-care/
Though in all honesty, I didn't finish it. I'm just commenting on the overall opening concept of this piece.

Now I'm typically not one to bash others opinions, or really give a hoot about what people of religion or people with no religion are preaching about, but this set me off past my beliefs on religion. This brought out my feminist/feministic side. (Not that I would define myself as an extreme feminist by any means, however I think as a woman, it's important to be slightly feminist. Seeing as well, I am a female and I'm just as good as any man out there. Maybe not at building stuff, but you get my point.) 

Anyways, this article is an apology. And in short, it's an apology for women's existence. Now I'm not saying the author specifically states, I'm sorry for women and their existence.. but she comes pretty damn close. 

"I’m sorry that you see hundreds of advertisements every week showing half-dressed women. I’m sorry every time you go to the beach or your neighborhood pool you can’t look in any direction without seeing a girl basically in her underwear. Or that you can’t scroll through Instagram on “women crush wednesdays” or any day for that matter without an airbrushed girl in a thong staring you down. Or that your buddy showed you that one magazine when you were 9 and you’ve never forgotten that moment because that was the first time you first saw a completely naked woman. When I think about the guys in my life who are striving to live with a pure and Godly mindset, it honestly breaks my heart that they’re surrounded with so much temptation."

Now many people may not take this as an insult (though you people may want to stop reading right here), but I did, and i'll tell you why. As women, I don't think we should be pointed at as the cause for mens un-godly mindsets, or basically blamed for all males sexual drive. That to me, is ridiculous. You see, when I read this I saw what she was trying to get at. She is very sorry that there is so much sexual advertisement all over the place. However, what get's me is she isn't putting it that way, she's saying it as if it is our fault as women for letting all of this take place. 

Which in some ways, it is our fault. Women do pose half-dressed, however, the female body is beautiful and media wants to perpetuate and thrive off of that. (Given the way in which advertisements perpetuate women should look and what is beautiful, and all the wrong doings there, is a whole new argument). What she's saying is "I'm sorry men, that you have eyes and can see beautiful women all over the place, and are attracted." Or the swimsuits argument, really?? .. I don't even want to go there. Then she bashes women crush wednesday, which really blows my mind, because now she's pointing fault to all those who post photos of women they find beautiful on any given wednesday and she stereotypes that all these women posted are airbrushed in thongs. (My guy friend women crush wednesday'd me one time.. a nice picture of us two. I was not airbrushed, nor in a thong, and I personally took it as a compliment.)

I could get into more about what she said but I'll move on to my next point. 

Why's no one apologizing to us women? I'd like to see the apology edited to be like this:

"Women, I'm sorry you see hundreds of shirtless men who are half-dressed on TV and in advertisements every day. I'm sorry every time you go to the beach or pool you can't look in any direction without seeing a man in simply swim trunks, just showing off his chest to the world. Or that you can't scroll through instagram on man crush monday without seeing an airbrushed man in a thong, or nothing at all, for that matter.. blah blah... It honestly breaks my heart that women are surrounded by so much temptation." 

.. That's what I would have liked to see a women write to her fellow women, an apology for how hard it is to be a female surrounded by temptation (because that's something a female could relate to another about. Though that would have still annoyed me because it's blatantly passing judgement on the opposite sex for dressing a way the author does not approve of), This letter would have seemed more 'right' and 'just'. Not a woman apologizing to men, who are driven by sexual desire, for her fellow women who decide to not live as modest a lifestyle as she may. Theres so much slut-shaming here I can't handle it. 

And I'm not justifying anything that she claims women are doing that 'tempts' men. I'm just saying that not only is it wrong to blame women for males sexual desire, It's wrong for her to be perpetuating her beliefs in such a way. To take it to extremes, it'd be similar to her writing "Dear man, I am sorry that woman tempted you so much that you had to rape her. She was dressed in such a way, that I can see how you couldn't resist, I really am sorry women tempt you so much like that. Sincerely, female." 

And see, that seems crazy. 

If you are a female, in this really tough world, where it's already hard enough to have self esteem.. why would you make women feel like crap by turning on them and apologizing to the opposite sex for them. As if your fellow women's actions and the way they chose to live their lives or present themselves is cruel to men. 

Why don't you just go make him a sandwich while you're at it? Because it seems we've fallen back to the happy homemaker times, where women were expected to simply support men, and not have a say themselves. 

In the end I guess what I'm trying to say is plain and simple; thanks, but no thanks. 

Don't go apologizing for me, I'm not sorry. 

Women have the right to do whatever they please, I may not agree with all of it either, but it's not your job or anyone else's job for that matter to apologize for them. Men are just as at fault as women are and there is no reason to treat men like the victims. Grown men with sexual desires, don't need to be treated like children. 

Nor is it right for you to judge women. You don't see anyone apologizing for women who are modest, because it's simply wrong. 

If you find what this woman said okay, that is just fine. You have a right to your opinion (as do I, hence why I'm posting mine here in this blog) and I respect that. However, keep it to yourself. Because I may not know the bible word for word, cover to cover, or understand everything. But one thing I do know, is that passing judgement upon others is frowned upon. 

And even if it weren't stated in the bible, it's wrong no matter what. Because the only person who should be allowed to pass judgement on you, is yourself. (Maybe your mother too, depends, she did have to work her ass off for 9 months so you could even happen.)

Anyways, I'm sick of societies judgement making people feel like their doing something wrong, simply because society says so. Whatever I do in my life, I get to judge myself for. If I want to feel bad about something I've done, I reserve the right to make myself feel bad and judge myself. No one else, plain and simple. 

Sincerely, 

Feeling very controversial tonight and laughing at myself because I reserve the right to. 

5 Ways to Stay Sane

Lately I've come to realize that in this changing world, it's really hard to keep a grasp on reality and our sanity. Theres new problems arising everyday for all of us. Sometimes, It's really hard to keep your feet on the ground and hang in there. Especially with the excruciating expectations put on all of us everyday. 

Sometimes we forget how beautiful and amazing we are and how beautiful our lives truly are. 

So I thought I'd give you all a few wise words to remind you just how beautiful YOU are. 

Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful 

#1.

So often in our lives, we let others opinions or comments control how we feel about ourselves. Trying to live up to other peoples expectations will leave you feeling like a failure. Always remember to walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. That's yours. Life is far too short to put up with people who waste your time and make you miserable. 

#2.

This ones a big one and a huge challenge for everyone, even myself. Our media today has created an image of beauty that is nearly unattainable, and to be honest, wrong. Beauty can't be defined by anyone but yourself. Be confident in who you are, because EVERYONE is beautiful in their own way. It's foolish to try to be like everyone else, be different, be who you truly want to be. 

#3. 

This nike slogan is saying a lot more than 'buy a pair of nikes'. This slogan can be applied to all aspects of life. If you want to be happy, then do what you want. Even if someone says you can't. You're capable of anything you put your mind to. Don't let simple minded people who are afraid to do something themselves, hinder you. If you want it, go get it. You are the only one in your way.

#4.

I personally love this one. When people leave our lives, wether it be due to a breakup or a relationship, a friendship, or anything else, it's important we realize that life goes on. At first it may seem like the end of the world. But it's not. The pain is temporary and everything will eventually work itself out. Don't ever say you can't live without someone. You came into this world alone and you are strong enough to make it on your own and find happiness again.

#5. 

And finally, the most important advice of all. Which should be preached over and over again. Never forget who you are. Don't let anyone change you, bring you down, or make you feel inferior. You are your own person, you were created to be unique. Never destroy that by trying to fit in.

Why would you want to follow the crowd, when you could take your own path walking alone.

Heres laughing at those who try to fit in,

when they're born to stand out.

Sincerely, 

Laughing At Life

Why I Write

It's 1:20 am, so it's really no surprise I'm up writing.
I need a release. A moment to myself, to collect my thoughts.
And as I sit here, scrolling through pinterest's 'quotes' section, I've stumbled upon a quote I thought i'd share. It really struck me the second I read it.


"I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."
-Flannery O'Connor


Lately, I've been jumping between majors in college, trying to decide what I want to do. I've discovered a love for english and writing, unlike any other. However, I've really struggled to understand if it's for me or what I can truly do with it in my life.

I meet people who hate writing college essays every day, just absolutely dread the thought of them. However I find myself getting lost in them. Papers are almost calming for me. Essays give me a chance to explain my reasoning, my thoughts, my feelings in my own way as if to change the mind of the professor or whoever may be reading it. As if to plead my case. To explain why I feel, this is right.
Coloring in a bubble could never do that for me.
Selecting true or false, has never been something i've enjoyed.
Exams, quizzes, anything with an A,B,C,D .. true or false answer, makes me feel trapped.
You are either right, or you are wrong, and that's it.
I've always hard a hard time with exams of this format. Because I second guess myself.
I circle one answer, but in my mind, I debate another.
I can't lay out my thoughts.

But not when it comes to writing. I waste no time questioning myself.. is this right.. is this wrong. I just end up with a product that depicts my thoughts clearly, because I translated them from my mind somehow on to this paper, and now it all is making sense to me and coming together. I can lay out my thoughts, look them over, revise them. I can grasp a understanding of what i'm thinking. And from there, I can answer a question with a product I'm proud of and believe in. I didn't have to chose some answer formulated by an examiner that may or may not make complete sense to me.
I'm formulating my answer, let me explain it to you.
I'm allowing the professor, reader, whoever to step into my mind for a second.
And that's really an astonishing thing to be able to do, to allow someone to get a glimpse of how you are envisioning things.

And this translates into my life when it comes to even writing things like this. Until about 17 minutes ago when I started writing this, I didn't know it would go this route. I didn't know why I enjoyed essays so much, but a quote set my mind going, and now thoughts are flowing out.

Give me a computer, give me a paper and a pencil, give me a chance, I'll let you see my mind. That's truly what writing is. An insight into the authors mind. Hell, and insight into my own mind.

I have a million thoughts a day, but until I put it into words on a computer, I don't realize what I really think. I don't realize what I really feel. Even speaking aloud, I get all jumbled up. There's things I don't want to say, things I can't vocalize, the fear of looking stupid. For me, speaking my feelings aloud just doesn't do me justice. But writing, allows me to hide, while also stepping out of the shadows. It's a strange concept, that might not make sense, but that's how I see it. Like I said, a glimpse into my mind.

But, maybe you're like me, thoughts flowing like crazy in your mind, but you just can't keep up. So many things you just don't know how to even say. I encourage you to try writing. You might write complete nonsense that jumps from thought to thought with no clear meaning. But hell, at least the thoughts are there written out for you, not simply floating around up there.

Because let me tell you, until 1:20 am tonight, I had no clue why I struggled so much with exams and loved essays so much. I didn't realize why things just made more sense when writing. But the minute I sat myself down and started to think about it, started to formulate these sentences, I started to figure it out.


Writing lets you explain yourself.
Writing lets you know how you feel.
You just don't know it until you start.



Sincerely,
Writing and Laughing away

As always.

College: Deciding Your Fate at Nineteen

Does anyone remember those 'Choose your own fate' books that were big in elementary schools across the country in the 90's? You'd be reading the book when suddenly you'd flip the page, typically during a climatic point, and suddenly the moment of truth had come. You'd have to choose either option one or two and then the new route of the story you selected would pick back up on a different page. By the end of the story, you had gone on this this completely fucked up path to get there and were typically left wondering what the other story end could have been. Some I'm sure even actually went back and tried to retrace their steps to the other ending.

I hated those books.

A story is a story because the author made it that way. Don't go stressing me out with all these possible choices, just tell me the fucking story you wanted to write.
I blame those books on indecisive authors who just couldn't choose between two novel endings, so they just said fuck it and made a novel in which readers make the choice for them. Lazy.

And lately, these 'Choose your own fate' novels are reminding me a lot of my college experience/life. However if I am not happy with the ending I get to.. I'm shit out of luck.

When it comes to choosing the end of my story, the stakes are a lot higher.
Currently, I am in my second year of college. I did a year as one major, switched to possibly doing another, to now heading back to pursue a completely different major. My college experience is one big turned around 'Choose your own fate' book. Except the only catch here is, the more time I spend changing my mind and choosing other directions, the more money and time it costs me. And it's incredibly stressful. When it comes to college all you've got at stake is your future, no pressure. I mean, your major is only what you're going to have a degree to do for the rest of your life.

The truth about it all is the minute we graduate high school our futures are handed to us like a ball of clay, and everyone expects us to make a pot, with no experience at all. They aren't even handing us a potting wheel.
(Okay I've taken this potting metaphor too far.)

But it really is true. At eighteen you are sent off and expected to figure it all out, and you've really got all the time in the world, if you can afford to hang around for that long.
Here I find myself a year and a half into college, still in my fucking teens, and people are telling me it's about time I declare a major. I can't even drink, rent a car, or book a hotel room; but i'm allowed, hell encouraged, to tell decide what i'm going to be doing for the rest of my life?!

Please. That has to be a joke.

I found myself realizing this all when I was emailing my old english teacher tonight, asking for advice when it came to my major. It all just sort of hit me, we really are deciding our fates here in college and when you come to realize that it just becomes that much harder. Because to be honest? My favorite color changes like the weather, I can't even commit to cruise control when driving, and really I'm always looking for the next best thing. How am I supposed to trust that what I love and want to do for the rest of my life one day, won't change the next?

But as of today I came to a simple realization I should have ages ago. If I truly love something, then my feelings won't change. When it comes to college, your major, and overall your future? Honestly, just hang on to what you love. Even if society is telling you it's unrealistic or it might not make you rich, you love it and it makes you happy. That will always be enough. Don't fall into the trap of following anyone else's dreams, but your own. You don't need to be 50 years old with years of life experience to decide your future, you just need to love something enough to know it's right. Once you find that one thing you love, all the pieces will come together.
And if you don't know what you love yet? Well your 'choose your own fate' novel just has a few more crossroads, so keep going and choose wisely.
Eventually your story will lead you to the ending the author intended.

Sincerely,
Laughing at those dumb 'choose your own fate' novels.