Retaining Walls

I need to write. So give me a moment of peace.

I've been avoiding emotions like the plague. I can feel all of them pent up inside me, fighting to get out. I know people talk about getting butterflies in their stomach, but this feels more like bees. They're buzzing around, the sound ringing in my ears, driving me to the brink of insanity.

Do you ever want to just escape? To just wander off into solitude, with a carton of eggs, and just wreak havoc on something? Anything. Just lose it. Take a few deep breaths, clear your mind.

I remember when I was having a rough time in high school, like all teenage girls do. My mother brought me to the grocery store, picked up a carton of eggs and a few apples, then drove me out to this retaining wall off the highway. I could hear the cars speeding by on the opposite side of the big purple barrier, the sound almost soothing to me. Then she handed me the eggs and told me 'Let it out'.

I walked up to that retaining wall and let lose all the anger, frustration, and pain I was feeling. Egg yolks splattered across the wall, sliding down, their whites dripping like rain drops. With every egg, I felt a weight lifting. Releasing laughter, the only emotion that seemed real at the time. Such a therapeutic form of destruction. I splattered apples on the concrete.

I think back to that night a lot. And when I felt that instant joy and release.

That may have been one of the best things my mother could have done for me.
I've never been on for crying, never been one for hugs, it all feels weak. But this, this felt strong. It were as if I took my troubles that were weighing me down and sunk them in the ocean.

I had won

I reminisce on this a lot when why mind begins to turn to a flurry of emotions. I use it to remind myself that I am stronger than the worries that bring me down, while also reminding myself I'm taking life a little too seriously.

Well, that's all

Sincerely,
Laughing at life