I came to the realization I never gave a true preface to what this blog, so to speak, is to me. I originally had one route, laughing at life's funny instances, though since the start I have jumped to simply just writing.
And by simply just writing, I mean it. Many of the things I write are feelings or stories from my past, fictional concepts, or just simply a way for me to get out emotion. You see, most of the time, the things I write aren't relevant to the here and now. I like to reflect. Often when Im upset, I know no other way to calm myself down than to write and reflect on parts of my life I miss, I regret, or simply remind me of better times.
For example, my post 'Thoughts on a Bridge' was written in a strange flurry of emotion. I felt like I had lost control of my thoughts. Literally. My mind was racing. I was sad, I was mad, I was just incredibly confused. Therefore the only thing I could do in the moment was to write a metaphorical, psychopathic, depression piece to get it all out. Though I myself, am none of those things.
Well, maybe a little psychotic.
I guess what this mini Pre-preface is trying to say is this- This blog is not a explanation of my life, this blog is not made in hopes of painting a picture of who I am to readers. This blog is a flurry of my mind, like a snowstorm in the middle of may, it doesn't make any sense but its happening.
I just felt the need to say this because, I wrote about love recently. And I think to be clear, that referred to a lot of love i've dealt with. Not just one. And then I came to realize a lot of my pieces deal with a lot of different things in my life, that won't make sense to my present life all the time.
I guess that's it.
It's probably time I write. Can you tell my brains in a flurry?
Sincerely,
laughing at life
which to preface the signature to all my pieces- I would never be comfortable putting my name out there with these pieces.
Theres a few people out there who would catch on to the fact pieces are about them and learn the truth.
Which as a writer, I'm just not ready to release.
I may write the truth, but I'll never tell certain people it.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Silly, isn't it
Silly, isn't it? Love. You know, words can't describe it. Actions can't do it justice. No, we just have to trust it. Trust that feeling.
But that's tough now days. The more advanced the world gets, the more explanations people demand. And how do you expect to explain love? Who is truly foolish enough to ask such a question?
Modern society, I guess. Those who feel entitled to an answer for everything, I guess.
He asked me recently, "what's the difference? What's the difference between me and everyone else who you've seen? Everyone else you've opened up to- past friendship." And is stood shocked, dumbfounded and overwhelmed. My face , unexplainable. I managed to stumble over some words, come up with an answer I knew would suffice. I knew the true answer would scare him. The true answer scared me.
You see the true answer, required no explanation.
The true answer required three simple words, a feeling that could be worded no other way.
You see the true answer was I loved him.
But the trouble with love now days, is we think we can explain it. We think we can come up with better words. We think there's a softer, more cautious way of telling it. And that's where we are flawed. There's no other way to state it, no safe route, no 'simple' explanation.
There's just I . Love . You .
We're just not brave enough to state it.
Sincerely,
Laughing at love
But that's tough now days. The more advanced the world gets, the more explanations people demand. And how do you expect to explain love? Who is truly foolish enough to ask such a question?
Modern society, I guess. Those who feel entitled to an answer for everything, I guess.
He asked me recently, "what's the difference? What's the difference between me and everyone else who you've seen? Everyone else you've opened up to- past friendship." And is stood shocked, dumbfounded and overwhelmed. My face , unexplainable. I managed to stumble over some words, come up with an answer I knew would suffice. I knew the true answer would scare him. The true answer scared me.
You see the true answer, required no explanation.
The true answer required three simple words, a feeling that could be worded no other way.
You see the true answer was I loved him.
But the trouble with love now days, is we think we can explain it. We think we can come up with better words. We think there's a softer, more cautious way of telling it. And that's where we are flawed. There's no other way to state it, no safe route, no 'simple' explanation.
There's just I . Love . You .
We're just not brave enough to state it.
Sincerely,
Laughing at love
I want to appreciate a lunar eclipse
Thank god for social media now days. Honestly. If it weren't for the internet I wouldn't have known that tonight was a total lunar eclipse. So shoutout to that.
I'm not sure what got me so excited about tonight's lunar eclipse, but suddenly it was 1am and I found myself feverishly moving my queen bed across my room so I could lay in bed and stare out the window.
And that's what I've been doing. For about 45 minutes now. Curled up in my heated blanket. Music softly playing in the background.
Im soaking up this moment.
You see, I'm not sure if I've ever seen a lunar eclipse. But if I have, I don't really remember it. That's the problems with memories, you can forget them if you don't appreciate them enough at the time. So I thought it important I replenish the memory, and really savor in this lunar eclipse.
Maybe I'll make a wish. Do you wish on a lunar eclipse? No? Ah well, I plan to.
How cool huh?
I can't think of a better, more literary, way to explain how much our world and all it's wonders amaze me.
No matter how old I get, I promise to keep pushing my bed to the window, staying up till too late, watching the moon. No matter how early my classes might be, no matter how early I may have to be to work, no matter how tired I may be. I'll stay up.
It's the little things like this that keep us young, all the little wonders screaming 'I'm still cool, don't grow too old or good for met yet'
A sliver of the moon is left, my computer screen has gone to sleep and the quiet music is left playing, so I think it's time I go back to my moon.
Yes, my moon. Because from my perfectly positioned bed, from my old Victorian windows, I've got my eyes set on the moon; making it mine.
I'll remember this lunar eclipse.
Sincerely,
Laughing with the moon
I'm not sure what got me so excited about tonight's lunar eclipse, but suddenly it was 1am and I found myself feverishly moving my queen bed across my room so I could lay in bed and stare out the window.
And that's what I've been doing. For about 45 minutes now. Curled up in my heated blanket. Music softly playing in the background.
Im soaking up this moment.
You see, I'm not sure if I've ever seen a lunar eclipse. But if I have, I don't really remember it. That's the problems with memories, you can forget them if you don't appreciate them enough at the time. So I thought it important I replenish the memory, and really savor in this lunar eclipse.
Maybe I'll make a wish. Do you wish on a lunar eclipse? No? Ah well, I plan to.
How cool huh?
I can't think of a better, more literary, way to explain how much our world and all it's wonders amaze me.
No matter how old I get, I promise to keep pushing my bed to the window, staying up till too late, watching the moon. No matter how early my classes might be, no matter how early I may have to be to work, no matter how tired I may be. I'll stay up.
It's the little things like this that keep us young, all the little wonders screaming 'I'm still cool, don't grow too old or good for met yet'
A sliver of the moon is left, my computer screen has gone to sleep and the quiet music is left playing, so I think it's time I go back to my moon.
Yes, my moon. Because from my perfectly positioned bed, from my old Victorian windows, I've got my eyes set on the moon; making it mine.
I'll remember this lunar eclipse.
Sincerely,
Laughing with the moon
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
We're All Battling the Little Hand on the Clock
The older I get, the more sentimental birthdays have become for me. Not even my own birthdays, but the birthdays of those I love around me. Whether someone I love is turning 6 or 60, I really feel that year passing is incredibly important. Sure they're getting older, growing wiser, moving closer to adulthood or old age for that matter. But what we seem to forget about birthdays, when we are busy celebrating the fact this person is alive, Is that we were blessed to have so much time with the individual. Sure, when someone's turning six, it may seem silly to think 'I'm blessed to have spent six years being a part of this child's life', because you assume theres so much time left. But the older I get the more I realize how crucial and how much of a blessing time truly is.
We count our lives in days, and every year being 365 days seems like so much time. But when I look at the people I love, 2million days still doesn't seem like enough, and 365 days feels like absolutely nothing. You see the older I get, the more I realize that tomorrow is never guaranteed, and though this may seem like a sad thought, it truly isn't. The fact that our lives could stop at any second, is cause to celebrate. What good would time be, if it went on forever? If we didn't have a limited amount of time to show the people we love, how much we love them, then we would never try with all our might.
You see, the fact we are guaranteed no certain amount of time with a person, makes the time we have so crucial. The fact every moment count be the last, makes every moment monumental to our lives. It's terrifying to think that every moment could be someones last, even our own, but as scary as it may be; it's liberating. This time crunch we're all in, gives us the motivation we need to act in the moment, to follow our instincts.
This time crunch also is what makes everyones birthday, so sentimental. At least to me. Every birthday serves as a reminder to me that time is short and I've only got so much time left to say everything I need to. So I better start talking. I better start telling them all those things. I better start showing them how much I care. Because if someone I love were to die tomorrow, I would want to be able to say I worked my hardest, gave all of my heart, and never stopped showing them how much I love them.
When I was in junior high, I came to the realization I had pretty old parents. My mother and father had never seemed old to me, they weren't in wheel chairs, they were still working their asses off, hell they were still jumping out of planes and riding motorcycles like it was their day job. But, they were in the scheme of time, old. Being 19 and having parents who are 55+, is scary as a young adult, especially as a teenager. I used to worry about all the events in my life I had to make sure I did in time. I had to make sure I got married in time, make sure I graduated college in time, make sure I had kids in time.
I didn't want to take too long because I knew I couldn't control time; so in order to conquer time itself, I thought I had to speed it up. I wanted to make sure I did everything in a timely fashion, so that I could get it all done.
Then in 8th grade my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. And time started to threaten me.
It felt as if I were racing against time for so long without feeling any threat of losing, then in the blink of an eye, time was a few feet behind me keeping pace with ever step I took. Time was right behind me chanting and trying to beat me down; 'I can catch up, I can beat you, look out'.
Luckily, time never caught up with me in 8th grade. Time never stopped for my father. I was given back my watch and left to keep time for myself. But the fact that it could have caught me, began to teach me to appreciate time. I realized time was a strong competitor, not to be underestimated.
I quit looking at my time with my parents as a calendar that I had to squeeze a certain number of things into and started taking things day by day. Now I'm not saying my parents are by any means going to die soon, but Ive learned that regardless of age, we all can die any day. Don't worry about what needs to be done, what you might miss out on with someone, or what can't be fit into the time you've got. Just focus on the time. Focus on every second.
If we dwell in time, if we count the minutes, we cause ourselves to fall into the trap of time; believing we are limited. We fall under the control of the little hand on the clock. But if we quit looking at the clock, quit counting down the days, quit worrying about the future; then we have the ability to make the most of the time we've got.
Fit everything you can into your time. Say I love you as much as you want. Hug the ones you love, even if they tell you not too. Never spend to much time angry with someone. Remember forgiveness will always be a better way to spend your time. And never, ever, worry about time. It's not something you can control.
Sincerely,
laughing at the face of the clock.
We count our lives in days, and every year being 365 days seems like so much time. But when I look at the people I love, 2million days still doesn't seem like enough, and 365 days feels like absolutely nothing. You see the older I get, the more I realize that tomorrow is never guaranteed, and though this may seem like a sad thought, it truly isn't. The fact that our lives could stop at any second, is cause to celebrate. What good would time be, if it went on forever? If we didn't have a limited amount of time to show the people we love, how much we love them, then we would never try with all our might.
You see, the fact we are guaranteed no certain amount of time with a person, makes the time we have so crucial. The fact every moment count be the last, makes every moment monumental to our lives. It's terrifying to think that every moment could be someones last, even our own, but as scary as it may be; it's liberating. This time crunch we're all in, gives us the motivation we need to act in the moment, to follow our instincts.
This time crunch also is what makes everyones birthday, so sentimental. At least to me. Every birthday serves as a reminder to me that time is short and I've only got so much time left to say everything I need to. So I better start talking. I better start telling them all those things. I better start showing them how much I care. Because if someone I love were to die tomorrow, I would want to be able to say I worked my hardest, gave all of my heart, and never stopped showing them how much I love them.
When I was in junior high, I came to the realization I had pretty old parents. My mother and father had never seemed old to me, they weren't in wheel chairs, they were still working their asses off, hell they were still jumping out of planes and riding motorcycles like it was their day job. But, they were in the scheme of time, old. Being 19 and having parents who are 55+, is scary as a young adult, especially as a teenager. I used to worry about all the events in my life I had to make sure I did in time. I had to make sure I got married in time, make sure I graduated college in time, make sure I had kids in time.
I didn't want to take too long because I knew I couldn't control time; so in order to conquer time itself, I thought I had to speed it up. I wanted to make sure I did everything in a timely fashion, so that I could get it all done.
Then in 8th grade my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. And time started to threaten me.
It felt as if I were racing against time for so long without feeling any threat of losing, then in the blink of an eye, time was a few feet behind me keeping pace with ever step I took. Time was right behind me chanting and trying to beat me down; 'I can catch up, I can beat you, look out'.
Luckily, time never caught up with me in 8th grade. Time never stopped for my father. I was given back my watch and left to keep time for myself. But the fact that it could have caught me, began to teach me to appreciate time. I realized time was a strong competitor, not to be underestimated.
I quit looking at my time with my parents as a calendar that I had to squeeze a certain number of things into and started taking things day by day. Now I'm not saying my parents are by any means going to die soon, but Ive learned that regardless of age, we all can die any day. Don't worry about what needs to be done, what you might miss out on with someone, or what can't be fit into the time you've got. Just focus on the time. Focus on every second.
If we dwell in time, if we count the minutes, we cause ourselves to fall into the trap of time; believing we are limited. We fall under the control of the little hand on the clock. But if we quit looking at the clock, quit counting down the days, quit worrying about the future; then we have the ability to make the most of the time we've got.
Fit everything you can into your time. Say I love you as much as you want. Hug the ones you love, even if they tell you not too. Never spend to much time angry with someone. Remember forgiveness will always be a better way to spend your time. And never, ever, worry about time. It's not something you can control.
Sincerely,
laughing at the face of the clock.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
I Must Have Blinked
I have this theory, it has to do with blinking.
I think when we blink, we miss more than simply a millisecond.
No, we must miss more than a millisecond.
Because I swear, I just blinked, and you were telling me you loved me.
But, I had only blinked.
And you can't tell me in that millisecond, everything changed.
You can't tell me in a millisecond, you fell in love.
But, you tell me you did.
And so I believed you.
And we went on our merry way, hand in hand down Rooney Street.
And it was just past midnight.
But, I must have blinked.
Because suddenly, it was the morning.
And I looked around.
And I searched for you, all over and around that house.
And it was just past eight.
But, I must have blinked.
Because I couldn't find you, I couldn't find you anywhere.
And I can't figure out why.
And I know you were just lying next to me.
And I know just last midnight, you told me you loved me.
But, I must have blinked.
Because you aren't coming back, it's been two days since midnight.
And I really thought you loved me.
And I believed you when you said you fell in love in that millisecond.
And I thought we'd get married when we woke up.
But, I must have blinked.
And I must have blinked again.
And blinked again.
Because you've been gone four years, and your urn lies on the mantle.
And it all just happened so fast.
And now I can't remember the the last time you were here.
And I know just last midnight, you told me you loved me.
But,
I must have blinked.
Sincerely,
Writing not so funny make shift poetry now I guess
Still laughing at life, just not this poem
A Poem For My Beloved
A Poem For My Beloved
Poetry is a joke.
You can format it however you want,
and they'll call it 'literary'.
Well what's so literary about it.
I don't believe in meter.
Why rhyme?
I could just spew jibberish.
Cat.
Poetry is a joke.
Stanzas end.
Sentences start on one line
and end on another.
How's this for art?
Poetry is a joke.
But you are like poetry to me.
You are a joke.
You toy with my life however you want.
and I call it 'love'.
Well what's so loving about that.
I don't believe in your words.
Why try?
You could just spew bullshit all day.
Integrity.
Our relationship is a joke.
Please just make it end.
Start the week loving each other
and that ends on the next.
How's this for love?
Poetry is a joke.
But you are like poetry to me.
Sincerely,
laughing at this 5 second creation
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Retaining Walls
I need to write. So give me a moment of peace.
I've been avoiding emotions like the plague. I can feel all of them pent up inside me, fighting to get out. I know people talk about getting butterflies in their stomach, but this feels more like bees. They're buzzing around, the sound ringing in my ears, driving me to the brink of insanity.
Do you ever want to just escape? To just wander off into solitude, with a carton of eggs, and just wreak havoc on something? Anything. Just lose it. Take a few deep breaths, clear your mind.
I remember when I was having a rough time in high school, like all teenage girls do. My mother brought me to the grocery store, picked up a carton of eggs and a few apples, then drove me out to this retaining wall off the highway. I could hear the cars speeding by on the opposite side of the big purple barrier, the sound almost soothing to me. Then she handed me the eggs and told me 'Let it out'.
I walked up to that retaining wall and let lose all the anger, frustration, and pain I was feeling. Egg yolks splattered across the wall, sliding down, their whites dripping like rain drops. With every egg, I felt a weight lifting. Releasing laughter, the only emotion that seemed real at the time. Such a therapeutic form of destruction. I splattered apples on the concrete.
I think back to that night a lot. And when I felt that instant joy and release.
That may have been one of the best things my mother could have done for me.
I've never been on for crying, never been one for hugs, it all feels weak. But this, this felt strong. It were as if I took my troubles that were weighing me down and sunk them in the ocean.
I had won
I reminisce on this a lot when why mind begins to turn to a flurry of emotions. I use it to remind myself that I am stronger than the worries that bring me down, while also reminding myself I'm taking life a little too seriously.
Well, that's all
Sincerely,
Laughing at life
I've been avoiding emotions like the plague. I can feel all of them pent up inside me, fighting to get out. I know people talk about getting butterflies in their stomach, but this feels more like bees. They're buzzing around, the sound ringing in my ears, driving me to the brink of insanity.
Do you ever want to just escape? To just wander off into solitude, with a carton of eggs, and just wreak havoc on something? Anything. Just lose it. Take a few deep breaths, clear your mind.
I remember when I was having a rough time in high school, like all teenage girls do. My mother brought me to the grocery store, picked up a carton of eggs and a few apples, then drove me out to this retaining wall off the highway. I could hear the cars speeding by on the opposite side of the big purple barrier, the sound almost soothing to me. Then she handed me the eggs and told me 'Let it out'.
I walked up to that retaining wall and let lose all the anger, frustration, and pain I was feeling. Egg yolks splattered across the wall, sliding down, their whites dripping like rain drops. With every egg, I felt a weight lifting. Releasing laughter, the only emotion that seemed real at the time. Such a therapeutic form of destruction. I splattered apples on the concrete.
I think back to that night a lot. And when I felt that instant joy and release.
That may have been one of the best things my mother could have done for me.
I've never been on for crying, never been one for hugs, it all feels weak. But this, this felt strong. It were as if I took my troubles that were weighing me down and sunk them in the ocean.
I had won
I reminisce on this a lot when why mind begins to turn to a flurry of emotions. I use it to remind myself that I am stronger than the worries that bring me down, while also reminding myself I'm taking life a little too seriously.
Well, that's all
Sincerely,
Laughing at life
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