Why I Write

It's 1:20 am, so it's really no surprise I'm up writing.
I need a release. A moment to myself, to collect my thoughts.
And as I sit here, scrolling through pinterest's 'quotes' section, I've stumbled upon a quote I thought i'd share. It really struck me the second I read it.


"I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."
-Flannery O'Connor


Lately, I've been jumping between majors in college, trying to decide what I want to do. I've discovered a love for english and writing, unlike any other. However, I've really struggled to understand if it's for me or what I can truly do with it in my life.

I meet people who hate writing college essays every day, just absolutely dread the thought of them. However I find myself getting lost in them. Papers are almost calming for me. Essays give me a chance to explain my reasoning, my thoughts, my feelings in my own way as if to change the mind of the professor or whoever may be reading it. As if to plead my case. To explain why I feel, this is right.
Coloring in a bubble could never do that for me.
Selecting true or false, has never been something i've enjoyed.
Exams, quizzes, anything with an A,B,C,D .. true or false answer, makes me feel trapped.
You are either right, or you are wrong, and that's it.
I've always hard a hard time with exams of this format. Because I second guess myself.
I circle one answer, but in my mind, I debate another.
I can't lay out my thoughts.

But not when it comes to writing. I waste no time questioning myself.. is this right.. is this wrong. I just end up with a product that depicts my thoughts clearly, because I translated them from my mind somehow on to this paper, and now it all is making sense to me and coming together. I can lay out my thoughts, look them over, revise them. I can grasp a understanding of what i'm thinking. And from there, I can answer a question with a product I'm proud of and believe in. I didn't have to chose some answer formulated by an examiner that may or may not make complete sense to me.
I'm formulating my answer, let me explain it to you.
I'm allowing the professor, reader, whoever to step into my mind for a second.
And that's really an astonishing thing to be able to do, to allow someone to get a glimpse of how you are envisioning things.

And this translates into my life when it comes to even writing things like this. Until about 17 minutes ago when I started writing this, I didn't know it would go this route. I didn't know why I enjoyed essays so much, but a quote set my mind going, and now thoughts are flowing out.

Give me a computer, give me a paper and a pencil, give me a chance, I'll let you see my mind. That's truly what writing is. An insight into the authors mind. Hell, and insight into my own mind.

I have a million thoughts a day, but until I put it into words on a computer, I don't realize what I really think. I don't realize what I really feel. Even speaking aloud, I get all jumbled up. There's things I don't want to say, things I can't vocalize, the fear of looking stupid. For me, speaking my feelings aloud just doesn't do me justice. But writing, allows me to hide, while also stepping out of the shadows. It's a strange concept, that might not make sense, but that's how I see it. Like I said, a glimpse into my mind.

But, maybe you're like me, thoughts flowing like crazy in your mind, but you just can't keep up. So many things you just don't know how to even say. I encourage you to try writing. You might write complete nonsense that jumps from thought to thought with no clear meaning. But hell, at least the thoughts are there written out for you, not simply floating around up there.

Because let me tell you, until 1:20 am tonight, I had no clue why I struggled so much with exams and loved essays so much. I didn't realize why things just made more sense when writing. But the minute I sat myself down and started to think about it, started to formulate these sentences, I started to figure it out.


Writing lets you explain yourself.
Writing lets you know how you feel.
You just don't know it until you start.



Sincerely,
Writing and Laughing away

As always.

College: Deciding Your Fate at Nineteen

Does anyone remember those 'Choose your own fate' books that were big in elementary schools across the country in the 90's? You'd be reading the book when suddenly you'd flip the page, typically during a climatic point, and suddenly the moment of truth had come. You'd have to choose either option one or two and then the new route of the story you selected would pick back up on a different page. By the end of the story, you had gone on this this completely fucked up path to get there and were typically left wondering what the other story end could have been. Some I'm sure even actually went back and tried to retrace their steps to the other ending.

I hated those books.

A story is a story because the author made it that way. Don't go stressing me out with all these possible choices, just tell me the fucking story you wanted to write.
I blame those books on indecisive authors who just couldn't choose between two novel endings, so they just said fuck it and made a novel in which readers make the choice for them. Lazy.

And lately, these 'Choose your own fate' novels are reminding me a lot of my college experience/life. However if I am not happy with the ending I get to.. I'm shit out of luck.

When it comes to choosing the end of my story, the stakes are a lot higher.
Currently, I am in my second year of college. I did a year as one major, switched to possibly doing another, to now heading back to pursue a completely different major. My college experience is one big turned around 'Choose your own fate' book. Except the only catch here is, the more time I spend changing my mind and choosing other directions, the more money and time it costs me. And it's incredibly stressful. When it comes to college all you've got at stake is your future, no pressure. I mean, your major is only what you're going to have a degree to do for the rest of your life.

The truth about it all is the minute we graduate high school our futures are handed to us like a ball of clay, and everyone expects us to make a pot, with no experience at all. They aren't even handing us a potting wheel.
(Okay I've taken this potting metaphor too far.)

But it really is true. At eighteen you are sent off and expected to figure it all out, and you've really got all the time in the world, if you can afford to hang around for that long.
Here I find myself a year and a half into college, still in my fucking teens, and people are telling me it's about time I declare a major. I can't even drink, rent a car, or book a hotel room; but i'm allowed, hell encouraged, to tell decide what i'm going to be doing for the rest of my life?!

Please. That has to be a joke.

I found myself realizing this all when I was emailing my old english teacher tonight, asking for advice when it came to my major. It all just sort of hit me, we really are deciding our fates here in college and when you come to realize that it just becomes that much harder. Because to be honest? My favorite color changes like the weather, I can't even commit to cruise control when driving, and really I'm always looking for the next best thing. How am I supposed to trust that what I love and want to do for the rest of my life one day, won't change the next?

But as of today I came to a simple realization I should have ages ago. If I truly love something, then my feelings won't change. When it comes to college, your major, and overall your future? Honestly, just hang on to what you love. Even if society is telling you it's unrealistic or it might not make you rich, you love it and it makes you happy. That will always be enough. Don't fall into the trap of following anyone else's dreams, but your own. You don't need to be 50 years old with years of life experience to decide your future, you just need to love something enough to know it's right. Once you find that one thing you love, all the pieces will come together.
And if you don't know what you love yet? Well your 'choose your own fate' novel just has a few more crossroads, so keep going and choose wisely.
Eventually your story will lead you to the ending the author intended.

Sincerely,
Laughing at those dumb 'choose your own fate' novels.