Why I Write

It's 1:20 am, so it's really no surprise I'm up writing.
I need a release. A moment to myself, to collect my thoughts.
And as I sit here, scrolling through pinterest's 'quotes' section, I've stumbled upon a quote I thought i'd share. It really struck me the second I read it.


"I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."
-Flannery O'Connor


Lately, I've been jumping between majors in college, trying to decide what I want to do. I've discovered a love for english and writing, unlike any other. However, I've really struggled to understand if it's for me or what I can truly do with it in my life.

I meet people who hate writing college essays every day, just absolutely dread the thought of them. However I find myself getting lost in them. Papers are almost calming for me. Essays give me a chance to explain my reasoning, my thoughts, my feelings in my own way as if to change the mind of the professor or whoever may be reading it. As if to plead my case. To explain why I feel, this is right.
Coloring in a bubble could never do that for me.
Selecting true or false, has never been something i've enjoyed.
Exams, quizzes, anything with an A,B,C,D .. true or false answer, makes me feel trapped.
You are either right, or you are wrong, and that's it.
I've always hard a hard time with exams of this format. Because I second guess myself.
I circle one answer, but in my mind, I debate another.
I can't lay out my thoughts.

But not when it comes to writing. I waste no time questioning myself.. is this right.. is this wrong. I just end up with a product that depicts my thoughts clearly, because I translated them from my mind somehow on to this paper, and now it all is making sense to me and coming together. I can lay out my thoughts, look them over, revise them. I can grasp a understanding of what i'm thinking. And from there, I can answer a question with a product I'm proud of and believe in. I didn't have to chose some answer formulated by an examiner that may or may not make complete sense to me.
I'm formulating my answer, let me explain it to you.
I'm allowing the professor, reader, whoever to step into my mind for a second.
And that's really an astonishing thing to be able to do, to allow someone to get a glimpse of how you are envisioning things.

And this translates into my life when it comes to even writing things like this. Until about 17 minutes ago when I started writing this, I didn't know it would go this route. I didn't know why I enjoyed essays so much, but a quote set my mind going, and now thoughts are flowing out.

Give me a computer, give me a paper and a pencil, give me a chance, I'll let you see my mind. That's truly what writing is. An insight into the authors mind. Hell, and insight into my own mind.

I have a million thoughts a day, but until I put it into words on a computer, I don't realize what I really think. I don't realize what I really feel. Even speaking aloud, I get all jumbled up. There's things I don't want to say, things I can't vocalize, the fear of looking stupid. For me, speaking my feelings aloud just doesn't do me justice. But writing, allows me to hide, while also stepping out of the shadows. It's a strange concept, that might not make sense, but that's how I see it. Like I said, a glimpse into my mind.

But, maybe you're like me, thoughts flowing like crazy in your mind, but you just can't keep up. So many things you just don't know how to even say. I encourage you to try writing. You might write complete nonsense that jumps from thought to thought with no clear meaning. But hell, at least the thoughts are there written out for you, not simply floating around up there.

Because let me tell you, until 1:20 am tonight, I had no clue why I struggled so much with exams and loved essays so much. I didn't realize why things just made more sense when writing. But the minute I sat myself down and started to think about it, started to formulate these sentences, I started to figure it out.


Writing lets you explain yourself.
Writing lets you know how you feel.
You just don't know it until you start.



Sincerely,
Writing and Laughing away

As always.

I've Got a Cold One and a Computer

Ernest Hemingway once said,

"Write drunk, Edit sober."

Now, I'm not quite sure how sir Hemingway came to this realization, but I commend him for it. 

What is it with the correlation between alcohol and the truth?

People always say, "Sober thoughts are drunken words", but that can't be true. Because I'd like to think that the stupid shit I think when I'm drunk, can't be who I truly am. 

Because if that's true, then I'm an idiot. 

So why do we seem to speak the truth to others when we've had a few?

I don't mean when we're beyond drunk, about to vomit, I mean when we've had a few drinks and are feeling good. 

Is the fact that we as humans tend to show our true colors typically when drinking a sign of our extreme conformity when we're all 'with it'? or is it simply what the scientists will tell you? Alcohol simply loosens you up.

I'd like to think that it's not simply what the scientists say, because I can't seem to accept everything seems to just make more sense when i've had a few because of some biological reasoning. And I think there is a deeper meaning to it all. Let it be us mentally taking a step away from the real world and beginning to not care what others think for a second, or that alcohol has magical powers, I am a strong believer of what Ernest Hemingway once said and therefore I will act accordingly.

And yes, as I write this I am sitting with a coors light, taking a load off from studying.

Sorry Mom and Dad. 

But I will give credit to this Coors Light for the insight into my life I'm about to give. 

I am constantly saying 'laugh at life' or when trouble comes just 'laugh about it'. Constantly giving the advice that every time you are able to find humor in a difficult situation, you will win. 

But now I am going to contradict what I've said by simply asking, do you really always win if you can laugh about it?

Day by day I try to find a way to laugh at life's struggles, because in reality for the moment, it works. But what about those nights when you can't sleep?

Those nights when it's just you and your thoughts.

Just you and your life.

Sitting face to face.

Alone.

Trapped. 

Is laughing at our struggles really going to work then?

I'd argue no.

There have been plenty of nights that laughing just isn't a possibility. And I am now going to tell you, that isn't bad. Because, why must we always be so strong? Human beings are weak by nature, as are all things. We all can be weak. We can run from being weak as much as we like but eventually, we all get tired and the nights catch up to us and we're alone again, our thoughts having captured us. And in that moment, laughter is simply inappropriate. 

In that moment of exhaustion from running, we've got to let our minds take over and do some thinking, as painful as it may seem to some of us. 

And why is this you ask?

Because if we consistently run from our problems, our thoughts, the daily struggles of our lives.. we eventually will crash. Like a runner attempting to run forever, we will reach exhaustion and lord knows that will occur then. 

Facing our problems and thoughts may be tough, but in the end it keeps us sane. Because avoiding our problems is like throwing everything you don't want into a closet. Soon the closet isn't going to be able to hold everything and it's going to spew all over, and now look at the mess you've made. And once that happens you've got to start picking everything back up, and refilling the closet, a vicious cycle. 

Whereas if we simply clean out our closet a little every once and awhile, there won't be a mess to clean up. 

It's simple logic, yet we all seem to deny it, because it can sting a little. 

Those nights where you've got to think about the struggles of your life, stings. 

But if you ask me, i'd rather take a bee sting every once and awhile then an electric shock. Any day. 

So next time it's just one of those nights, where you realize all your problems, faults, struggles, and overall realize that your life isn't perfect, don't run. Face it, life's tough. No matter how fast you go, you'll never get away from life. She's a bitch.. and damn she's quick and has great endurance. 

So tonight I leave you with this,

Keep laughing at life. 

But sit down with life every once and awhile and face her. 

Or she'll find a way to make you take a seat herself. 

Sincerely, 

Sitting down with life. 

Oh and sorry Ernest, I don't think I need to edit this sober, this is as good as it's going to get grammatically.