We're All Battling the Little Hand on the Clock

The older I get, the more sentimental birthdays have become for me. Not even my own birthdays, but the birthdays of those I love around me. Whether someone I love is turning 6 or 60, I really feel that year passing is incredibly important. Sure they're getting older, growing wiser, moving closer to adulthood or old age for that matter. But what we seem to forget about birthdays, when we are busy celebrating the fact this person is alive, Is that we were blessed to have so much time with the individual. Sure, when someone's turning six, it may seem silly to think 'I'm blessed to have spent six years being a part of this child's life', because you assume theres so much time left. But the older I get the more I realize how crucial and how much of a blessing time truly is.

We count our lives in days, and every year being 365 days seems like so much time. But when I look at the people I love,  2million days still doesn't seem like enough, and 365 days feels like absolutely nothing. You see the older I get, the more I realize that tomorrow is never guaranteed, and though this may seem like a sad thought, it truly isn't. The fact that our lives could stop at any second, is cause to celebrate. What good would time be, if it went on forever? If we didn't have a limited amount of time to show the people we love, how much we love them, then we would never try with all our might.

You see, the fact we are guaranteed no certain amount of time with a person, makes the time we have so crucial. The fact every moment count be the last, makes every moment monumental to our lives. It's terrifying to think that every moment could be someones last, even our own, but as scary as it may be; it's liberating. This time crunch we're all in, gives us the motivation we need to act in the moment, to follow our instincts.

This time crunch also is what makes everyones birthday, so sentimental. At least to me. Every birthday serves as a reminder to me that time is short and I've only got so much time left to say everything I need to. So I better start talking. I better start telling them all those things. I better start showing them how much I care. Because if someone I love were to die tomorrow, I would want to be able to say I worked my hardest, gave all of my heart, and never stopped showing them how much I love them.

When I was in junior high, I came to the realization I had pretty old parents. My mother and father had never seemed old to me, they weren't in wheel chairs, they were still working their asses off, hell they were still jumping out of planes and riding motorcycles like it was their day job. But, they were in the scheme of time, old. Being 19 and having parents who are 55+, is scary as a young adult, especially as a teenager. I used to worry about all the events in my life I had to make sure I did in time. I had to make sure I got married in time, make sure I graduated college in time, make sure I had kids in time.

I didn't want to take too long because I knew I couldn't control time; so in order to conquer time itself, I thought I had to speed it up. I wanted to make sure I did everything in a timely fashion, so that I could get it all done.

Then in 8th grade my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. And time started to threaten me.

It felt as if I were racing against time for so long without feeling any threat of losing, then in the blink of an eye, time was a few feet behind me keeping pace with ever step I took. Time was right behind me chanting and trying to beat me down; 'I can catch up, I can beat you, look out'.

Luckily, time never caught up with me in 8th grade. Time never stopped for my father. I was given back my watch and left to keep time for myself. But the fact that it could have caught me, began to teach me to appreciate time. I realized time was a strong competitor, not to be underestimated.

I quit looking at my time with my parents as a calendar that I had to squeeze a certain number of things into and started taking things day by day. Now I'm not saying my parents are by any means going to die soon, but Ive learned that regardless of age, we all can die any day. Don't worry about what needs to be done, what you might miss out on with someone, or what can't be fit into the time you've got. Just focus on the time. Focus on every second.

If we dwell in time, if we count the minutes, we cause ourselves to fall into the trap of  time; believing we are limited. We fall under the control of the little hand on the clock. But if we quit looking at the clock, quit counting down the days, quit worrying about the future; then we have the ability to make the most of the time we've got.

Fit everything you can into your time. Say I love you as much as you want. Hug the ones you love, even if they tell you not too. Never spend to much time angry with someone. Remember forgiveness will always be a better way to spend your time. And never, ever, worry about time. It's not something you can control.

Sincerely,

laughing at the face of the clock.

College: Deciding Your Fate at Nineteen

Does anyone remember those 'Choose your own fate' books that were big in elementary schools across the country in the 90's? You'd be reading the book when suddenly you'd flip the page, typically during a climatic point, and suddenly the moment of truth had come. You'd have to choose either option one or two and then the new route of the story you selected would pick back up on a different page. By the end of the story, you had gone on this this completely fucked up path to get there and were typically left wondering what the other story end could have been. Some I'm sure even actually went back and tried to retrace their steps to the other ending.

I hated those books.

A story is a story because the author made it that way. Don't go stressing me out with all these possible choices, just tell me the fucking story you wanted to write.
I blame those books on indecisive authors who just couldn't choose between two novel endings, so they just said fuck it and made a novel in which readers make the choice for them. Lazy.

And lately, these 'Choose your own fate' novels are reminding me a lot of my college experience/life. However if I am not happy with the ending I get to.. I'm shit out of luck.

When it comes to choosing the end of my story, the stakes are a lot higher.
Currently, I am in my second year of college. I did a year as one major, switched to possibly doing another, to now heading back to pursue a completely different major. My college experience is one big turned around 'Choose your own fate' book. Except the only catch here is, the more time I spend changing my mind and choosing other directions, the more money and time it costs me. And it's incredibly stressful. When it comes to college all you've got at stake is your future, no pressure. I mean, your major is only what you're going to have a degree to do for the rest of your life.

The truth about it all is the minute we graduate high school our futures are handed to us like a ball of clay, and everyone expects us to make a pot, with no experience at all. They aren't even handing us a potting wheel.
(Okay I've taken this potting metaphor too far.)

But it really is true. At eighteen you are sent off and expected to figure it all out, and you've really got all the time in the world, if you can afford to hang around for that long.
Here I find myself a year and a half into college, still in my fucking teens, and people are telling me it's about time I declare a major. I can't even drink, rent a car, or book a hotel room; but i'm allowed, hell encouraged, to tell decide what i'm going to be doing for the rest of my life?!

Please. That has to be a joke.

I found myself realizing this all when I was emailing my old english teacher tonight, asking for advice when it came to my major. It all just sort of hit me, we really are deciding our fates here in college and when you come to realize that it just becomes that much harder. Because to be honest? My favorite color changes like the weather, I can't even commit to cruise control when driving, and really I'm always looking for the next best thing. How am I supposed to trust that what I love and want to do for the rest of my life one day, won't change the next?

But as of today I came to a simple realization I should have ages ago. If I truly love something, then my feelings won't change. When it comes to college, your major, and overall your future? Honestly, just hang on to what you love. Even if society is telling you it's unrealistic or it might not make you rich, you love it and it makes you happy. That will always be enough. Don't fall into the trap of following anyone else's dreams, but your own. You don't need to be 50 years old with years of life experience to decide your future, you just need to love something enough to know it's right. Once you find that one thing you love, all the pieces will come together.
And if you don't know what you love yet? Well your 'choose your own fate' novel just has a few more crossroads, so keep going and choose wisely.
Eventually your story will lead you to the ending the author intended.

Sincerely,
Laughing at those dumb 'choose your own fate' novels.